aquarianmoon's Blog

http://www.blogthings.com/whatjapanesesmileyareyouquiz/

You Are "Kiss" (^3^) You are a complete and total flirt. You're shameless, really!
You're both attractive and confident. And you're going to work whatever you've got.

Besides being quite frisky, you're also known for being friendly. You truly love your friends.
You're a true delight to be around. You are very enchanting.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsthepartofyouthatnooneseesquiz/

The Part of You That No One Sees is Detached You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.
People feel like they really don't know the true you...
Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.

Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.
It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.
You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away. 

http://www.blogthings.com/areyoudisturbinglyprofoundquiz/

You Are Disturbingly Profound You're contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense.
Taking time to figure out the meaning of life is a priority for you.
Because you're so introspective, you often react in ways that surprise people.
No one can really understand how you are on the inside... and that disturbs them. 

http://www.blogthings.com/whatorigamianimalareyouquiz/

You Are a Cat You are agile and mysterious. You have you own way of navigating the world.
You enjoy exploring new ideas and places, but you also like to be able to retreat quickly.

You are a bit standoffish and aloof, but you aren't shy. In fact, you are brave and courageous. 
Always resourceful and fearless, you can handle any situation. You are a survivor.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofgirlfriendareyouquiz/

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!
Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.
If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.
You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy. 

http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time".
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered. 

Desolation.
It's seeping into my heart like poison.
I feel numb. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel....
....except for the incessant ache that lingers around the edges of my consciousness like a storm cloud just waiting to burst into a torrent.

Every day sheds a layer from the invisible wall that I have built around me to keep the pain of losing you at bay. Will this constant ache remain in my heart forever?

I miss you so much. 

And the night brings only tears when I thought for certain that I have cried them all out. 

Do you think about me as much as I think about you? Are your regrets as deep as mine? We parted knowing we still love each other.... but why wasn't it enough? Why?

Why did you let me fall through the cracks while you chased your dreams?
Why did you make me feel as though you had no part to play in the brokenness that has tormented me for years?
Why did you say such hurtful words that tore at the pieces of my heart, wounds so deep I feel they would never heal?
Why did you not see that while you sought after the promises of the future, that I was sinking so far below in the darkness of the present that by the time you looked back I was already so dead inside that nothing else mattered?

Why did I let myself fall apart...
Why did I not run to your arms as I always did when something troubled me?
Why did I think that the only way, was to run away...
When all I wanted, loved, and needed, was to be with you.

And I loved you ..... and I still do.

I would have died for you..... and I still would.

If I had one wish.... I wish we were together again.

But we have crumbled to dust.

I told you once that if love were a grain of sand, the love I have for you is a universe of beaches....

Like the sands in an hourglass, I poured all my being into you. Every grain of my heart, my body, my soul.

I left nothing for me. Because all I am.... was you.

And now you're gone.

Perhaps I'm looking for some way to justify how I feel. And why I have been feeling this way for far too long. I'm ill-at-ease, not even the same person, but I feel that I have to keep wearing a mask. A mask that I put on for him. It's been nine years since we met. Back then, in my eyes he was perfect. In my eyes "we" were perfect. So much so that I chose him over my family. So much so that I had severed my closeness to my mom. So much so that I have lived my life according to his terms, blatantly disregarding how small it made me feel. How powerless. How controlled. Like a marionette on strings. Dancing to his music.

Of course my situation holds my own bias, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I have completely lost touch of who I am, because I have been too busy becoming and being what he wanted me to be. My memory might be false, but I think somewhere down the line, he had told me that he loved me for who I am. I guess what that meant was who I could become, like a piece of clay being molded in his hands.

I am finding ways to escape the inevitable tears that would come from me thinking overly much about what this all means. I am seeking answers. To what questions, I can't really say, but answers nonetheless that would help me deal with all the feelings (or lack thereof, because I feel so empty), that goes inside me.

I am utterly adrift. But he can never grasp what that means, for even I don't have the words to explain what it means. I harm the "us" that we have worked so hard to build and keep together. The "us" that used to be so indestructible is crumbling away at the edges.

I have been living in a fortress that had everything I could possibly need within its walls... but the gates are always locked and I cannot venture out. And I need desperately to get outside these walls. Because I cannot find myself in here. Locked up like this. With his ever vigilant eyes watching my every move, watching to catch a glimpse of the fire within me that wants to be free; so that he can put it out. So I can become his marionette again.